Vanessa Wye was fifteen years old when she first had sex with her English teacher. She is now thirty-two and in the storm of allegations against powerful men in 2017, the teacher, Jacob Strane, has just been accused of sexual abuse by another former student. Vanessa is horrified by this news because she is quite certain that the relationship she had with Strane wasn't abuse. It was love. She's sure of that. Forced to rethink her past, to revisit everything that happened, Vanessa has to redefine the great love story of her life – her great sexual awakening – as rape. Now she must deal with the possibility that she might be a victim, and just one of many.

This book was not what I expected. The rave reviews I'd read before even buying the book put me off a little, however, now that I've finished it, I think it's safe to say that this is one of my favourite books of 2020. I don't say that lightly, either. I simultaneously couldn't put the book down yet had to take a few breaks to wrap my head around the horrible situation. It's a hard, disturbing read, there's no denying that. But it's also one I wouldn't think twice about recommending.

Threaded throughout the story are abuse, grooming, rape, and trauma. It was repulsive, intense, infuriating. Even though I finished reading a couple of weeks ago, it hasn't left my mind for a single day. It's truly stuck with me. The vulnerability of 15-year-old Vanessa is told in a way that made me question whether I would have followed in her footsteps had I been in that same situation at that age. I honestly don't know what I would have done, and that's what's terrifying about the story: it isn't just fiction, it could easily happen to any one of us.

Truth be told, there were times where I was so frustrated by Vanessa's thoughts that I had to step back and take a deep breath. Her actions and thought process was questionable and exhausting, but it showed how much she had been manipulated. We bounce between teenage Vanessa to her life as a grown woman in her thirties, and in her later life it's clear how much she's holding onto the attention and affection she was given during her school years by a man old enough to be her father. How much Vanessa fought for this to be a love story completely broke my heart and filled me with sadness.

The writing is stunning. Russell was clever with the way she began their relationship. It was subtle in a way that, as the reader, I brushed a few things off because of how Strane was written. He was the good guy, wasn't he? He just wanted to be nice and couldn't help how he felt about his teenage student, right? Wrong. The elusiveness of Strane's manipulation from the beginning was incredible. I applaud Russell for being so delicate with what was such a breathtaking story.

My Dark Vanessa is more an important read than enjoyable, though don't let that put you off. If you're looking for a story that will stick with you for years to come, this one is for you.

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